I haven't posted in a while...

Just thought I'd keep you up to date..
Along with my cat Molly, my mum had to put down my dog Shyanne. She had a renial disease, couldn't eat, couldn't walk, wouldn't play, couldn't hold down what she rarely ate. It all happened really fast.
I've never hurt so much in my life. Having pets is really hard. Now, I have nothing. Just me and my four walls.
She is the cutest thing I have ever seen.
This picture was taken the day we put her down.

What the fuck am I saying?

I’ve never felt like this before; empty and broken, torn apart and hollow. It’s not even a reaction to something negative. It’s all because of love. Love has brought me here and love will continue to bring me here until I can grab it by the balls and put it in its place.
*scrambled thoughts
There’s so many things that I want from this right now, things that I wish were facts. I wish I could see into the future and know that I’m not wasting my time. I don’t want to lose what I have; I only want to gain more. I have never wanted anything or anyone so badly in my entire life.
People say “You’re only 17. You don’t know what love is!” Oh really? It’s a pretty unmistakable feeling… Stickin’ out there like a sore thumb and all.
I could just go on and on –

*abrupt ending

I Have A Dream

Last night I had a dream.
I can’t tell if it’s wrong or right to be feeling the way I feel under the circumstances, so I’ve basically boiled it down to the awkward transition stage between being a teenager and adulthood. Right now is easily the most confusing/stressful time in my life due to school and graduating, keeping friends and losing them, holding on to bits of nothing to keep me grounded, family, and discovering myself.
I used to think I knew myself pretty well but I’m finding there’s so much more to me than I ever thought there could be. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place, however the decision is obvious and goes without question.
Last night I had a dream that we kissed.

Bullshyaat

Is it fair to take away good things in life?
To let pain cause burden?
To hand happiness to one
& take it away with out warning.
To be punished for someone elses wrong?
;Dishonesty.
To take away something that doesn't belong to you?
To put shame upon a person,
When you've committed the same sin?

I honestly don't know where this is going..
I'm quite rattled.

Turning over a new leaf

So I spent 10 minutes crying. I'm over it.
Moved on. I'm done.
That is all..

Haters&Heart Breakers

I hate making decisions for my future. I like living in the moment. I hate people who try to make my decisions for me. You don't know me or what I want. Don't fake your shit to me or you'll look like a piece of shit. Keep true to your word and don't be pushy. You want me to feel the same as you? Give me some respect.

The saying "actions speak louder than words" isn't always correct. Only when it works in ones favour. Listen to what I want and I'll pay mind to yours. Pay attention to the small things. You don't know anything so stop acting like a know-it-all. You sure as hell ain't top shit so shut your mouth.

Nothing is a joke. This is life and everything is real. Take me seriously and I'll consider falling for you. Your words don't mean anything. Show me something I can believe. Thats in favour to me.

All talk..

R.I.P Molly

So on Tuesday my mum had to put my cat down.
She had a swollen belly and a liver problem.
We didn't know until we brought her into the vets
but by the time we brough her, it was too late to fix.
Basicly, my mum had the decision to either let her live and suffer or put her down while she was under anestesia.
I've never cried so much in my life.

Ps. The picture of the cat isn't actually my cat, just the same breed. I can't find any pictures on my computer of her.

FUCK YOU

*I can't believe I spent a year with you.
I can't believe I let you ABUSE me for a year.
I can't believe I stared you in the face and told you that I love you.
I can't believe I actually convinced myself that I did.
Rape

Control
Isolation

Mental abuse
Emotional abuse
*How could you look me in the eye and repetitively sing love songs to me?
How could you be so two faced?
How could you hold my hand one day and push me down the next? How could you convince yourself that you loved me enough to do all the BULL SHIT that you did?
*You had me wrapped around your finger.
You took away my innocence.
I’ve never had to hide so much in my life.
*It was always about YOU
Always what YOU wanted to do
What YOU approved of
What YOU thought was appropriate.
*My father is an abuser.
Child services taught me all the warning signs.
But you were well aware of that weren’t you?
Somehow, you knew all the right things to do to keep me distracted from reality.
You had me convinced.
I was blind sighted.
I could never understand what my friends were trying to tell me.
What a joke.
*I hate you for what you did to me.
Honestly, once you come to realize all that you've done,
I hope the pain kills you.
Literally.
Love. What a fake, meaningless, and empty word.

I like to be cheesey sometimes..

His kiss spoke of all the passion I had coursing through every one of my veins, & about how my heart, which was pounding so incredibly fast at the moment, was pounding for him. It spoke of my addiction to his touch, to his kisses, to the way he made me feel. And last, but not least, it spoke of how in love with him I was, which was so head over heels in love that there was no way I was ever going to fall out of it.

"I love you like Romeo and Juliette"- Apparently I'm not the only one*

Speaking out on Injustice

Write about a time when you felt like you had to speak out against an injustice or did speak out against an injustice.

There have been so many things that I have wanted to speak out on but never did. There have been countless times when I have been sitting in front of my television yelling at the screen, crossing my fingers, wishing that the people on the other end could hear me and would listen.

For instance: The Great Canadian Seal Hunt.
How can such acts be legal? No, not the fact that they kill the seals because it’s natural humanly and beastly behaviour, but in the nature of the way they slaughter these animals. To me it completely defies the rules of animal rights. I’m all for the fashion and food you receive but in no way do I find it right.

In my opinion the proper way to obtain the seal skin/produce would be to wait until the animal dies from natural causes and/or a non human inflicted injury/illness. Instead, the hunters who come out to the Seal Hunt wait until every last bit of fur has fallen off the cubs, otherwise its illegal. Then they proceed to scout out perfect seals and club them to death.

It only takes about two or three beats to the head to kill the seals but the damages they receive are horrendous. Gashes and deep wounds are left on the seals bodies and skulls. Pools of blood cover the ice of the arctic and rotting carcases-skinned-lay, sprawled out in un-natural positions.

Sure, this may make the availability of seal product decrease, but for me and a lot of other animal right activists as well as any person in general, it leaves our thoughts at ease, and saves the lives of many innocent seals. I’m positive there are multiple alternatives to real seal skin coats and anything else the seal skin is used for.

For those who are interested, this is me.

Hello, my name is Kaitlyn.
I am sixteen years old and my birthday is September thirteenth.
I was born in Canada and I am still living there.
My ethnic backgrounds include Guyanese; South American and distant Portuguese.
My father was born in Georgetown, Guyana and my mother in Canada.
I have family living all over the world.
Some live in Guyana, Portugal, and Barbados, but mostly in Canada.

I have a cat named Molly and a dog named Shyanne.
I have a sister named Angela with a husband named Bob.
They have two children both girls.
I also have a brother named Ben who has four children.
Two girls and two boys.
Yes, I am an Aunt. And I have been since I was two.
I don’t get to see that part of my family much or the rest of my family really,
But when we get together I never want them to go.

In elementary school I changed schools half way and when to another school for grade six.
I am now in highschool in grade eleven.
Highschool was a big change for me.
I gained and lost friends; failed and succeeded.
I made mistakes and learnt from them.

I’m the type of person who gives anyone and everyone a multitude of chances.
I hate to let go.
I can forgive but I will never forget.
I don’t know when to shut my mouth.
I can honestly admit to talking shit to get a reaction out of people.
I love attention. Good and bad.
I live life like no ones watching and judging.
I sing. I dance… Not well. And I cheer.
I love everyone. I talk to everyone. And everyone is my friend.
I accept people no matter what.
I trust people way too easily.
I’m 4’10 and 147 pounds.
I have naturally curly brown hair and brown eyes with olive complexion.

I’m scared of the dark, mascots, and critters; caterpillars, butterflies, and ladybugs.
I love thunder storms and scary movies.
I shop every weekend.
I text a lot and spend way too much time watching reality TV.
I believe in God/Jesus, yet at the same time, I am an Atheist and believe in Witchcraft.
I believe in: Karma, dreams, ask and you shall receive, what you see is not what you get, believe and achieve, do only for yourself, donate to charity, and keep smiling.
I constantly change my mind.
I have A.D.D/Cloudy brain syndrome, anxiety, and a hyperactive disorder.
I’m allergic to dairy, wheat, soy, cod, tree moss, dust, ceclor, egg yolk, sugar, and aspartame.

To wrap up my life…
I’m not mature at all. I hate the word fat.
And I laugh and love easily.

Bathrooms are certianlly inspiring..

You know that feeling when everything seems so perfect one moment?
And so fucked up another?
You know that feeling when you think everything's going to be alright?
Because just maybe fate will be on your side?
But instead, it just screws you over the very next?
I'm afraid of my dreams not being fulfilled.
Having something tragic happen; losing someone close to me,
Or just losing the sense of being alive all together.

Self-injury is a sign of distress, not madness.
We should not be congradulated for the action.
But for simply having found a way of surviving.
The more you show your feelings,
The more people can find ways to hurt you.
You have a dream? You've got to protect it.

There's always going to be someone behind you,
Ready to take it away from you.
The people who can't do something themselves.
They wanna tell you that you can't do it either.
You want something? Go get it.
No one really cares about you,
The only person you can really depend on is yourself.

You'll meet many people who will inspire you,
Inspire you to be a better person, but in the end, it all adds up.
Are you willing to put all the tears,
All the pain, all the hurt aside, and just live life?
Make life as something really special,
Never worry about tomorrow; worry about today.
Never let words get to you; words are cheap.
Actions speak a lot louder, you hear me?

Cultural Diversity? Racisim?

The other day I was at Dixie Mall with my mum. Just walking around you could see people of many ethnic backgrounds. Arab, Muslim, Canadian, Ukrainian, Jamaican, Korean, & Japanese. As we know, along with the cultures previous, clothes, cuisine, religious/spiritual beliefs play a big role in each of them. While I was at the mall I was walking into Guess, texting and not paying any attention. I heard my mother whisper to me "Look Kaitie" and as soon as my eyes shot up I saw a woman and her husband standing at the shelf, both dangling pairs of jeans in each hand.
I quickly found myself taken a back and staring. Not directly but subtle enough that I wasn't being rude. I was completely surprised at what I was seeing.

A tall and beautiful woman, from the looks of her eyes stood before me, completely covered from head to toe in black. At first I was terrified. Maybe it was just from the shock of seeing a woman tower probably about 6'5 ft or more and being covered in complete black. But this was jaw dropping. I decided on the spot that this would be something I would blog about later on in the week. My thoughts about this occurrence for the rest of that day literally felt like they had been knotted together, tied&stapled up, and thrown into Lake Ontario. Today being later in the week I still find myself feeling the same way.

I've done a little research today and found out the name of the headscarf [sorry if that is not the correct term] and how a woman; no one in particular, feels about wearing it. The article of clothing is called the Niqab. A woman who has been wearing a Niqab for one year released the following statements. "I wear the Niqab as part of pleasing my creator and as part of completing my faith. By covering my face I am honouring myself and I'm presenting myself to the world as my character, personality, and contribution towards society.I feel so wonderful for having done this because I am now on the path to spiritual development." When asked what makes her feel so wonderful with making the choice she responded "I'm an honoured Muslim woman, who has her own opinions, own voice, personality, and character. I have everything that's wonderful to me. My beauty is a wonderful part to me as well, but I don't feel that I have to display it all for the world." A second person adds in "It is just a message to people to judge me on the work I do and who I am, not based on the way I look."

They continued to speak on how their God knew better for them than they do and in the Coran its spoke that they are to wear veils. I as a human can respect the spiritual belief and practices because I as a Christian go to a Catholic church and receive The Body of Christ/Eucharist. I also more than completely understand the women's comments stating that people should judge off of who a person is and what they do, rather than their appearance. I wish the world could be like that. It seems like a great idea. Though maybe in Muslim culture in Afghanistan or Lebanon all those theories and beliefs work because almost everyone has their minds in the same place. But on the other hand, no matter where you go in Canada or around people who do not have the same beliefs or religion as you, they are going to judge you on the way you look.

Would you especially as a teenager find it easy not to make a comment? Perhaps you're not the type of person to do so. When you're walking around in thirty degree weather in black head to toe, and everyone else around you are in shorts and t-shirts, you're going to stand out a little. Not even just teenagers. I was at Niagara Falls and I happened to hear a roughly forty-year old business man in a suit with his bluetooth pressed to his ear talking trash about not even just the Niqab, but Hijab, Turbans, Yhamicas etc. A grown man people.

Now I'm not saying to throw your culture away and what you believe in just because you're in a country that doesn't practice the same things. Not because the greater majority of people in society shop at Abercrombie, Blue Notes, Coach, Tiffany's, Walmart, and Salvation Army. I am not saying disregard everything you know just because everyone else is doing it. Personally, I'm not a person to follow trends, wear what everyone is wearing, change my morals, and how I act to suit everyone else. That is me and if I'm not accepted by some, then that's great. I'm sure I will find plenty of people in my life time who appreciate me and accept me for who I am.

Do I believe everyone should follow in these peoples beliefs? No. To each their own. Would I follow these people? No. I do value and appreciate what they stand for. I myself would like to have the strength to do so, but I honestly do not think I could ever wear what they wear. Believe for sure but not dress. Do I think I need to hide yourself from the world for people to accept you? Defiantly not. If a human is willing and ready to slosh names out at you and judge you from the exterior then their probably not worth your time. You must train yourself to let those kind of people go from your life and find or let the good people find you.

In conclusion I'd like to say that I have so much respect for the women and even the men who dress for themselves, their spirits, their beliefs, their morals, and their well being. It takes real courage to go out into the world wearing your culture for everyone and anyone to see.